How am I doing? The thoughts that run through my mind when people ask me this, every couple of minutes... How am I doing? I wish I knew. I'm so confused, I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel.
I thought I knew what was going on... I was happy. But, oblivious to me, I was wrong, I had no clue what was going on. Because of this, I just went on, feeling what I felt, and loving it. Blindly, I went into something, without know fully what was going on. And because of this blindess, the blind faith and trust, I was slapped with the hand of reality.
And believe me, that slap stung, bad. I feel hurt, angry, love, pain, all at the same time, and I wonder how I'm suppose to go on, and return to just being happy, wondering if there will come a time, that it will ever happen, that I'll be happy, content, relaxed...
Yes, it probably will happen, just because I don't like feeling different. I don't like feeling the pain, the hurt. I want to just ignore it, but it seems, I ignore it, and something reminds me... brings back memories, and just makes it hurt all that much more.
Then, I just let it hurt, and I get angry. I get angry at myself, at the world, at everything. And I hate myself when I get like this, and I wish I could just crawl somewhere and hide from everyone and everything until everything was ok. But honestly, will everything ever be ok?
I go back, and read my poem about pain, that I felt before... and wonder... is this how my life is meant to be? Just a vicious circle of loving, caring, trusting, only to be brought pain?
You know, when I wrote that poem... I didn't know the pain could feel this bad. (10 on *poetry if anyone reading this is curious to the poem) The pain I felt then, was a mosquito bite compared to what I'm feeling now.
It's indescribeable now. Writing this, is helping me to deal with it. A friend says I need to vent, to get it out. To quit keeping things pent up within me. I'm trying, I'm not good at venting. I suppose I should vent somewhere else than onna MOO basically talking to myself.
I feel bad talking to friends, and laying all this on their shoulders. This is my problem, my life, I shouldn't let my friends bear the pain, in not knowing how to help me feel better. Because honestly, 2, maybe 3 people could make me feel better, 1 of which probably won't happen, the other 2 will, if I go to them.
I dunno, I'm just rambling on about sh!t... I should stop. Maybe I'll write some poetry. Seems I do really well with it when I am upset. Heh.. Maybe I'll make an obcene phone call. Well, anyway, thats all for now.
Ciao..