1) Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2) Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are
you won't be needing him again.
3) I can please only one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
4) My Reality Check bounced!
5) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
6) Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
7) There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high
explosives.
8) Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
9) God did not create the world in 7 days. He messed around for 6 and then pulled an all-nighter.
10) I still miss my ex-husband. But my aim is getting better!
11) Stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?
12) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both should be changed regularly.
13) People accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
14) I don't mind going nowhere as long as it is an interesting path.
15) Indecision is the key to flexibility.
16) If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
17) I don't get even. I get odder.
18) In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
19) I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
20) I always wanted to be a procrastinator, just never got around to it.
21) Dijon-Vu. The same mustard as before.
22) My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
23) I am having an out of money experience.
24) I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
25) Not afraid of heights. Afraid of widths.
26) Practice safe-eating. Always use condiments.
27) A day without sunshine is like night.
28) If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.
29) I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
30) Careless planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned
projects always take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect
their planning to reduce the time it takes.