My life is a giant desert. It sits in the middle of nowhere and is stretches
farther then the eye can see. It has no purpose but to exist, and provide
a home for what is at the center.
And at the center, is a spring of water. Gushing forth, ever renewing
itself and giving life to the desert around it. This is my heart.
For a while I took those waters and threw them out into the desert,
trying to make everything grow. To make everyone love me and to have a
full and happy life. It didn't work. I spread my love to thin and the
greenery around my heart started to disappear.
So I tried to confine it to one part of the desert, build it up as green
as possible. Not just grasses, but trees and birds and life. I decided to
love one woman, and I gave her everything I had. But she didn't want it,
and I found that while my heart had dwindled still, the desert was more
then desert where she stood.
I changed tactics again, bringing a new life to my heart. Bringing in a
second spring in the middle of the desert. If I could not make the desert
grow on my own, I would get help. I loved a new woman, one I gave even
more to. I let her all the way into my heart, building another forest at
the center which was much larger and much easier to maintain. But she
took her spring and left my desert, and the desert returned and my spring
became muddy and almost lost.
For a while I tried to coax the second spring to renew, to get my woman
to come back. And for a while she allowed me a few drops, but after the
has wet my lips, she took it away again. So I went looking for a new
spring. A new love yet again. I allowed myself to sprinkle my water, my
love, out in the desert and see what grew.
I found places, new women, where I felt I could easily lend my water and
make things grow. And I found spots where my water was not wanted and
denied. I also found a few spots which were already green, and a few
spots which could grow only with much work.
For a while I have been staring into the desert, trying to decide which
spot to make bloom. The easy spots are just that, easy to bloom, and easy
to wither. The places I was denied, I could do much good there if I sent
my water anyway. But it would cause me much pain. The places which are
already green, they already have a small spring there, and they feed my
own. Not much to do there but to return the support. And the places which
would be hard to grow, these would also be hard to lose if I won them,
but painful to keep f I lost them.
So I pondered a while, testing my waters as it were. Giving a few drops
here, giving some there. Seeing which was less painful, and which was
most needed. And I found something very important in my testing.
I was not going to get a forest. But slowly the desert was turning green
around me. New springs were popping up, one even close to my own spring.
Yes, in some places the watering is painful. And for every spot of pain, I
need ten spots of beauty to make up for it. Sometimes there isn't enough
beauty, sometimes there is more then enough.
But one thing is for certain, I am going to continue 'testing the
waters', because my desert is slowly becoming a green. I may never get my
forest, but I find I am not in a desert anymore, either.
And that spot that was more then desert? It is slowly changing to desert,
and to green. And the second spring that I claimed as my own? I hear it
has turned muddy on it's own, so I send some of my water when I can.
Maybe it will get to see some of my greenery again.
Meanwhile, I have my hands full. I must carry my water, my love, into
that desert which is slowly becoming field of green. That desert I call life.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sometime I think I am a poet, sometime a has-been that never was. But when I get introspective, I have to write it down. This is my latest, let me know if anybody is interested in the older stuff.
(also assuming anybody is still on this list. The last post was in september)