100 Uses for John Major
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An organ-grinder's monkey.
A pet for someone who hates pets.
A not inconsiderably impressive plant pot stand.
A sedative.
A not ununique teas-made.
A hoover.
An ironing board.
Something to stir your paint with.
Lagging for your pipes.
A decoy turkey.
A guard for your lettuce.
A really satisfying scratching post forcats.
Dog food?
Target changer at a gun club.
A sandbag.
A useful device for opening locked doors.
A letter box.
A turnstile.
A peripatetic park bench.
A bar stool.
A no inconsiderably provocative cycle stand.
Ballast for a hot air balloon.
A not inconsiderably useful digit for starting modelaero engines.
An anchor.
A companion for your fish.
A versatile bookend.
A not entirely pleasing toast rack.
A town-cryer.
A shop window mannequin (dummy).
A train spotter's anorak.
A jumble sale `Smurf'.
The beginning of a queue.
A bus stop.
A clown.
An executive toy.
A security guard.
A hostage.
A pit prop.
A digger of many not inconsiderable holes.
Fearless war correspondent in war-torn Haslmere.
A not inconsiderably unappealing regimental mascot.
An offensive and infuriating gargoyle.
A weather vane.
A draught excluder.
An ingenious apparatus for moistening the reverse side of stamps prior
to affixing them to the face of envelopes. Oh, yes.
A lavatory paper holder.
Unsightly hair remover. (A device for removing unsightly hair, that is. The
device itself is not unsightly, oh no.)
A castaway.
A deck-chair attendant at the North Pole.
A hole in the wall cash dispenser.
Manager of a bottle bank.
Anot unuseful paper shredder.
A dumb waiter.
A safe pair of hands".
A clapper in a bell.
Saucy centre-fold in `Farmers Weekly'.
A substitute Chippendale.
Caber for the Highland Games.
A stepping stone.
A rustic plough.
A fence post.
An amazing free gift.
A coathanger.
A purely decorative flying buttress.